5 TIPS FOR PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN

There’s just nothing better than parenting our children when they’re young. Every day is full of unconditional love, smiles, laughs and of course minor pushbacks from time to time. But parenting adult children offers new, and more challenging decisions. We wonder who are these people we’ve spent so much of our time guiding? It’s when we realize that parenting doesn’t stop when our kids become adults, it just changes. We’ve spent years nurturing, and supporting them, but now they’re carving out their own lives, and our role in their world is evolving.

Staying close to our adult children while respecting their independence is an art. It requires balance, patience, and a whole lot of love. If you’re wondering how to maintain a strong relationship without overstepping, here are some things to think about:

TIP #1 – ACCEPT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP HAS CHANGED, AND THAT’S OKAY

One of the hardest realizations for parenting adult children is understanding that your child doesn’t need you in the same way anymore. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want you in their life, it just looks different now.

Instead of daily guidance, they need occasional advice (when asked). Instead of constant check-ins, they appreciate sporadic, meaningful conversations.

Instead of focusing on what’s lost, embrace what’s gained. A friendship, mutual respect, and deeper conversations. It’s important that you give them space, mutual respect and deeper conversations. It’s important that you give them space, respect their lifestyle and let go of the idea that closeness means constant communication. They will reach out in their own time, and we must be good with that.

TIP #2 – COMMUNICATE WITH INTENTION

One of the best ways to stay close to your adult children is through intentional, pressure-free communication. Instead of “You never call me anymore,” try “I’d love to catch up, what’s a good time for you?” Try speaking to them on their own terms, and casually ask “What’s been going on with you (or you and the family)?” Suppress the urge to finish your sentence with “…..I haven’t heard from you lately.” Big mistake.

When you do hear from them, just listen. Sometimes, they just want a sympathetic ear so DON”T offer unsolicited advice. Give them an open door to ask for your feedback, and if they do, go for it!

If you aren’t a texter, learn how to become one, now! Not all adult kids like phone calls, (I can be assured of getting a response from my kids by sending a text, they’re either too busy or just don’t feel like answering the phone). It’s a reality of life, and if you want to have regular communication with your kids, you have to get on board. You’ll be SO glad you did!

Texting a quick “Thinking of you! Hope you’re having a great day” can go a long way! And if they don’t answer you back, don’t let it hurt your feelings. Just know they respect and appreciate the effort you’ve made to communicate on their terms.

TIP #3 – OFFER SUPPORT WITHOUT OVERSTEPPING

It’s natural to want to help your adult child, but there’s a fine line between supporting and overstepping.

Here’s some tips:

Wait for them to ask for advice. If they don’t, assume they’re figuring it out.
Ask how they’d like support. Instead of “You should do this,” try “How can I help?”
Respect their decisions (even if you disagree). Letting them make mistakes is part of growth.

TIP #4 – FIND WAYS TO CREATE MEANINGFUL MOMENTS TOGETHER

Spending time together should feel natural and enjoyable, not forced. Instead of expecting constant check-ins, focus on making the time you do have count. Think about planning a casual outing together; celebrating a birthday or other special event; sharing a hobby or even creating a new tradition, even if it’s just a virtual check-in every few weeks.

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Now keep in mind, this isn’t a one-way street. Your boundaries are important too. Don’t allow your kids to set all the rules, because just as you respect their guidelines, you also need to set your own. Don’t be afraid to say no to things that disrupt your own routine, and clearly establish that your time and feelings matter too.

You also must let go of unrealistic expectations. Your relationship may not look exactly how you imagined, and that’s okay!

TIP #5 – STAYING CLOSE WITHOUT OVERSTEPPING

The art of maintaining a strong relationship with your adult children comes down to a few things:

Respecting their independence, while showing love.
Communicating without pressure.
Supporting them in ways they appreciate.
Finding joy in the moments you share.
Trusting that your bond will evolve naturally.

I know you can do it! It was hard for me but with little steps, parenting my adult children has worked out really great! I found these resources to be helpful.

If any of this seems challenging, just think back on how the relationship with your parents may have gotten temporarily stalled when you became an adult. It’s likely they went through the same challenges you are now experiencing, and you can look back and use it an an example. Hopefully things came around with your parents, and with a little intentionality, it will be the same with your children.